Outside the Church Doors | OK, enough, it’s time for divorce
C. Ernest Williams|ParisPost-Intelligencer
Since the late 1950s, we have stuck together for the sake of the children. We have tolerated each other in the hope that there would be some kind of reconciliation and that our relationship could be saved.
But now it’s time to acknowledge that we aren’t going to make it as one family. We should agree on a divorce.
We cannot and never will agree on what is right for our future. Let’s call it incompatibility and go our separate ways.
Dividing up the property will be the hard part, of course, but I’m sure we could reach an equitable agreement. To be fair, you should take the share of the national debt that you ran up, and we’ll do the same.
We don’t like redistributive taxes, so you can keep them. You don’t like the nasty oil companies, so we’ll take them. You can have the wind, solar and biofuels.
You hate the guns, so we’ll keep our firearms, the police, the military and the NRA. You can have Oprah, Michael Moore, Rosie O’Donnell and what’s left of Jane Fonda.
We want to keep capitalism. We’ll take the greedy corporations, the pharmaceutical and insurance companies, Wall Street and Walmart.
You can have the welfare rolls, food stamps, the homeless, hippies, druggies and illegal aliens.
We’ll take all the rednecks, veterans and hot Alaskan hockey moms.
You can have the peaceniks and war protestors. You can do all the negotiating you want with Iran and the Palestinians. But if you get any of our allies in trouble, we’ll go to their rescue.
Leave us the Bibles. You can have Hollywood and Greenwich Village. We’ll divide up the churches, since they’ve already divided themselves up anyway.
Traditional Judeo-Christian morality and beliefs we’ll take. You can have secular humanism, political correctness, Scientology, Zen Buddhism, any imams that appeal to you and Shirley McClain.