Wishful Thinking | U.N. Evicted From Headquarters

‘Disgusting’ World Organization Illegally Housing 268 Feral Cats, Say City Officials

The Onion

NEW YORK—Citing squalid conditions “unfit for human habitation,” the New York City Department of Health confirmed Tuesday that the United Nations had been evicted from its Manhattan headquarters for numerous safety code violations, including harboring more than 250 feral cats.

“After entering the U.N. headquarters early Tuesday morning, we quickly determined that the property was unlivable by any reasonable sanitary standard,” said city health official George Garcia, whose team inspected the dilapidated building following complaints from neighbors of an overwhelming foul odor and the constant noise of mewling cats. “The fecal ammonia content in the air was approaching toxic levels, and the staggering volume of cat excrement in the Security Council Chamber alone suggests the occupants had been housing these animals for over a decade.”

“They’d blacked out all the windows with world flags, too, so I don’t think they’d seen much natural light in a while,” Garcia added.

Reports filed by the Health Department revealed that the building’s corridors posed a significant fire hazard, having been cluttered with thousands of empty cat food tins, old telephone books, and piles of yellowing nuclear-disarmament resolutions dating back to the 1950s, all of which were heavily soiled with cat dander and urine.

City officials were also struggling to find shelters for dozens of filth-covered diplomats, many of whom could barely speak a word of English but appeared to have spent years amid the squalor.

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